This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
A true genuine relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.
"When you have reached the point of trying to make a relationship with your boyfriend work, because you have been trying for 1 year now, we broke up and got back together to make it work, but he has not done anything to make it work. He's not trying, and nothing has changed. I have tried everything, done everything, understood everything, and now I am so exhausted that I don't care if we break up... I have no energy left. What does that say about my relationship?"
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation, as it is hard, disempowering, lonely and draining.
Interestingly if you post this on social media or talk to your friends about this you’ll likely hear them tell you to leave, you deserve better, and perhaps that is true. What I seen in the years that I have been coaching specifically relationship coaching is patterns emerge when jumping from relationship to relationship. Well meaning friends and family mean well and want the best for you, they don’t know the full picture, nor do I. The only person that can find the answers to your situation is you.
What the submission says to me is there’s a lot of forcing to make things happen, work, effort, wanting things to be the you want it to be, a lot of expectations, and perhaps energy spent on things outside your control.
I hear a lot of “I” language and “him” language, this to me isn’t a team or partnership language. The bank account of goodwill is bankrupt.(bank account of goodwill in short means having warm loving feelings towards someone) There’s thinking going on and likely words used that have you two on different teams there’s separation and division. This often is when each party becomes defensive of their position on the small to large things, further creating separation and eroding any possible reminisce of goodwill in the relationship.
Sometimes trying to work on external things (someone else) isn’t the solution, it’s focusing your mental, emotional and physical energy on yourself. Self love, self compassion, self worth.. Doing things that elevate that relationship to yourself to a higher level.
When we have a strong, healthy happy, relationship to ourself, meet and exceed the needs, wants and desire that we want for ourselves we are able to show with to our partner with a full battery and this is makes is WAY easier to be compassionate, understanding and empathetic to another person and what they might be struggling with.
Wanting, expecting someone else to mold, change, evolve and be a certain way is surely going to backfire.
Even with your best intentions, it will always land for the other person, that they are not good enough, they are broken, need fixing, and not worthy. These are the worst feelings to feel in any relationship.
Modeling a state of being, filling your own needs, taking care of yourself at the highest level will enable you to show up as your best version of yourself and this is contagious. People are drawn to those that are on a high frequency of self love, confidence and meet their own needs.
States of mind, feelings, energy, ora what ever you want to call it is contagious. Or another way I like to word this is, what every you put out is what you get in return.
Humans mirror each other.
So if you show up to the other person with frustration it will activate their frustration and that doesn’t do anyone any good. If you show up with an open heart, willingness to hear them with curiosity they will also shift their energy to the same wave link.
Expectations always lead to disappointment.
What I focus all my attention, mental, emotional and physical energy on is my own thoughts, feelings and actions. This keeps me grounded and pouring into the very things that foster and create the experience I want to have in each moment of my life. What someone else does/doesn’t do, their thoughts, their feelings and actions are their responsibility. When we get in a pattern of needing someone else's thoughts feeling and actions to be a certain way that not only is exhausting that’s controlling and never ends well.
Start to develop the habit of desiring the things that you can achieve and letting go of the things you cannot control.
I often think, is this issue something I can control? If the answer is no, I accept it, be at peace with it and focus my energy on things I can work on, or improve. Most often it’s simply focusing my thoughts on HOW I WANT TO FEEL, and shifting my actions from the answers that rise from that state of mind.
When you’re in a place where you are feeling at peace, calm, relaxed you will have greater access to your wisdom, insights and knowing what’s best for you and this relationship. When we wallow around in anger, frustration, defensiveness, helplessness, hurt, and unhappiness we create more of it and find evidence to back it up.
When we are in a state of frustration, anger, disappointment, or any negative emotions we aren’t going to find answers, we are in a clouded state of mind, and brew more of what we don’t want in our life because we are looking for proof that we aren’t in a good situation. Have you ever been late to an important meeting and can’t find your car keys? Are your thoughts clear?
When we are at ease within our own thoughts, feeling and experiencing life from a place of love, compassion, empathy and curiosity we start to see the good in situations, people and things around us.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to firstname.lastname@example.org please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.
To learn more about mental fitness go HERE