“What do you tolerate from your partner?”

Submitted Request..

This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.

Podcast version: HERE

Quote:  ““A true genuine relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.” 

Adding to the quote:

A true genuine relationship is a special bond between two individuals who embrace each other's imperfections and choose to stand by each other's side no matter what challenges may arise. It is a connection built on love, trust, and understanding, where both partners are committed to working through any obstacles that come their way. In a genuine relationship, both individuals are willing to put in the effort and dedication needed to strengthen their bond and grow together, have unconditional love, creating a lasting and fulfilling partnership.

Submitted Question:

“What do you tolerate from your partner?
I'm curious, what things annoy you about your partner but it is something you can tolerate (and isn't a deal-breaker to leave). How do you deal with that annoyance too?
I am recently married and my partner has an annoying people pleasing habit, I've told him to speak up more if he doesn't like it, he's trying, but still having an issue with speaking up.

My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.

It sounds like you’re annoyed and not sure what to do about it.

We feel thoughts we believe and become attached to. 

Here's the thing, it's important to recognize that the issues or behaviors that bother you about your partner are ultimately your responsibility to address and work on. 

Instead of placing the burden on your partner to change or adapt to meet your needs, it's essential to take ownership of your own feelings and experiences. By focusing on improving yourself and how you respond to certain situations, you can foster greater understanding and communication within your relationship. It's not about changing your partner, but rather about working on yourself and finding constructive ways to navigate challenges together.

Your triggers are for you to work on. 

Feeling off or any negative emotion is a signal that there's something for you to address.

It's important to accept your partner for who they are, even if they never change. Instead of focusing on the little things that bother you, try to appreciate the qualities that you love about them. Constantly nitpicking and looking for flaws will only create tension and strain in the relationship. Remember to communicate openly and honestly with your partner, and try to see things from their perspective. Respecting each other's differences and embracing each other's quirks will strengthen your bond and make your relationship flourish.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Study by the Gottman Institute goes into depth on the four things that are sure to destroy any relationship. 

  • Criticism/Judgement: fault finding
  • Contempt: looking down on them
  • Defensiveness: separateness, creating division in energy or conversation
  • Stonewalling: shutting down

It's important to remember that unconditional love means accepting your partner for who they are, flaws and all. After all you're not perfect and you wouldn't want him looking for all the annoying things that you do. When anyone senses they are being judged or criticized vocally or by energy it gives off a vibe they are not good enough and broken, these are the worst feelings to have, especially from a spouse. 

The feeling of annoyance stems from your own thoughts and beliefs about our partner, rather than their actions themselves.

Remember, you are the closest person to your partner, so it's important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings in a way that fosters goodwill and connection. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a willingness to understand each other better. By addressing these tendencies when both partners are in a positive and connected state, you can work together to overcome any challenges that may arise.

On people pleasing, I would bet money the tendencies that are related to this style of being are the very attributes that you fell in love with. We all have our natural blueprint of how we think, feel and behave and if he is indeed strong in the people pleasing department are: Empathetic, loving, giving, tuned into other's needs, emotionally self-aware, potentially high emotional intelligence.  Connect easily with others at a deep level. The ability to sense others’ feelings and needs leads to deep appreciation, anticipation, and ability to meet their needs. Truly care about others needs and deliver what others want, true empathy. Easily recognize what others feel and need. Belief is because you care so much others are likely to care as well. Tuned into what others want. People sense you're genuine, caring, and authentic.

Recognizing his strengths and helping him use them in a healthy way, without tipping over into overuse, is how you can help and support him in truly utilizing the benefits without causing challenges as a result of overusing these skills. It's sort of a blessing and a curse. We all have tendencies and skills that we naturally gravitate towards; I bet he knows yours. They are a part of who you are, and when overused, they can also create negative emotions.

In a marriage, it's important to remember that it is a partnership, not just two individuals living separate lives under the same roof.

When you approach your relationship as a team, working together towards common goals and supporting each other through challenges, you create a strong foundation that can withstand whatever life throws your way. When goodwill is solid in your relationship, bringing up each other's blind spots is easy because there's a deep sense of safety.

By focusing on the smaller, day-to-day aspects of your partnership and building a sense of unity and trust, you are better equipped to handle the inevitable bigger challenges that are sure to arise. This sense of unity and teamwork not only strengthens your bond as a couple but also helps you both grow and evolve together.  

Learn to love the annoying things, because if something tragic happens, those annoying things are the first things that you will miss.

I wish you all the best. 

Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!

If you want to send a question, please send to hello@katherine-hood.com please include: 

  • A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
  • And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it. 

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