“How do I learn to be with myself?”

Submitted Request..

This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.

Podcast version: HERE

Quote:  “If you cannot be happy alone, you will be miserable in a relationship.” 

Adding to the quote:

It is important to remember that happiness comes from within and that being able to find contentment on your own is crucial to being able to thrive in a relationship. While relationships can bring joy, fun and fulfillment, they also require effort and intention. It is essential to have a strong sense of self and be comfortable with who you are in order to maintain a healthy and successful partnership and connection. Taking the time to work on yourself and cultivate self-love will not only benefit you individually, but also enhance the quality of your relationships with others. If you know how to provide self love, compassion and empathy for yourself, it's easy to offer it to another human being. Remember, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled, whether you are alone or in a relationship.

Submitted Question:

“My 19-year marriage suddenly ended. I lived alone before, but I wonder how it will be after this age. After all the years, my wife suddenly decided to leave me, and we had a consensual divorce. Two weeks ago, it was finalized. She still lives in the house. We have a 15-year-old daughter who will live 3 days with me and 4 days with her mother. Now, starting from next month, I will be living alone. In the past, I lived alone for 5 years and I am used to cooking, cleaning the dishes, setting the washing machine, dryer, etc. The only thing that I do not do is ironing.  But apart from all these things, sometimes I think about how the transition will happen. We were always arguing with my wife and life was bad for both of us. What should I expect in the transition? What do I do and how do I learn again to be with myself?"

My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.

It's ok to feel anxious. Its a normal feeling going into the unknown.

We feel thoughts we believe and become attached to. 

Look at this transition as an adventure, a journey, a time to experiment and invite new things into your life. Perhaps inviting some old things you haven’t done in a long time. 

Never let the sadness of your past or the fear of your future ruin your happiness of the present.

It’s re-discovering or perhaps discovering who you are for the first time. 

Life isn’t about doing. It’s about enjoying.

The biggest tip I could offer, is to lean into what feels good and go deeper into learning more about yourself. 

Our human brain loves what feels good, familiar and offers some certainty. With a lot of changes it’s important to create as much consistency and repeated patterns in your day, week and month to reassure your brain and nervous system you are ok, you are safe, and things are going to settle down. A lot of changes at once is a lot for our nervous system, so go easy on yourself and block out time daily to recharge, reboot, rejuvenate so there’s a break in the day to give your mental, emotional a pause. This can be anything that has a good feeling attached to it, as long as it’s a healthy thing. 

Take note of times that you’re thinking heavily in the past or future. When we are hyper focused on either these two times we aren’t in the present moment. The present is where you’re going to find yourself, see possibilities and opportunities. 

Let your past make you better, not bitter. 

Support is instrumental in our lives. During a transition, it plays a crucial role in helping you get back into a new groove. Seek out the kind of support that has you eagerly anticipating seeing them, plan things near and far, and surround yourself with uplifting and encouraging people who make you feel good about yourself. It is about surrounding yourself with individuals who not only believe in you but also have qualities and experiences that inspire you to be your best self. Whether it is their passion, resilience, creativity, or kindness, being around people who bring out the best in you can have a profound impact on your well-being and personal growth. So, seek out those who lift you up and make you strive for greatness, as they are the ones who will help you become the best version of yourself.

Spend time in self-reflection to understand your thoughts, feelings, and motivations. 

  • What’s your purpose in this lifetime? 
  • What are you passionate about? 
  • What things when doing them you lose track of time and deeply enjoy? 
  • What’s fulfilling and serves others? 
  • How will you make a difference or impact in this world even if it’s a small impact? 

Embrace moments of solitude to reconnect with your inner self without external distractions.

Kindness: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion, especially when you encounter setbacks or make mistakes.

Forgiveness: Forgive yourself for past mistakes and focus on your progress.

I wish you all the best. 

Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!

If you want to send a question, please send to hello@katherine-hood.com please include: 

  • A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
  • And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it. 

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