This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
You will suffer in life if you have an emotional reaction to everything that's said to you. That means everyone else controls you.
"I am unsure if I did the right thing. I think I messed up today. My friends and I went out to eat. As I approached the washroom, I saw these two kids who were a little younger than me. They put out their hands for a handshake, but I walked past them because my hands were dirty and I didn't know them. After I returned, one of the kids came to our table and asked again for a handshake or threatened to pour his soda over my head. Once again, I refused because I didn't want to give power to someone like him. Then, he weirdly poked at where I was sitting and I was just surprised about what to do. After that, he kept trying to provoke me by slurping his drink incredibly loud while staring at me. Meanwhile, I stayed calm, just going on my phone and not reacting. While I'm happy I didn't fight, I can't help but feel a bit emasculated. Any thoughts or advice?"
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
I can see how reflecting on this situation you’re unsure if you did the right thing.
Where do all feelings come from?
The good the bad??
Always surprises me what answers I get when I ask this question.
I would be curious what the answer are to these questions as well.
- Does a teddy bear have the power to inject feelings of love safety and care into you?
- Does someone in traffic tailgating you have the power to inject feelings of anger and rage into you?
- Does a movie have the power to inject feelings of fear or sadness into you?
- Does someone posting on social media an opinion that differs greatly from yours have the power to inject feelings of anger, rage, or sadness into you?
None of these can inject feelings into you. We are in a world right now that has us programed and conditioned to be extrinsic. Unfortunately that leads us to believe that happiness comes from extrinsic sources as well and a big issue when it comes to finding happiness.
Feeling emasculated is coming from your thoughts not the bullies. All feelings come from our thoughts. Want to feel a different way? Ask yourself when in a quiet safe state of mind and in a environment that you feel your best and most comfortable:
“HOW DO I WANT TO FEEL?”
Really try it.
If I was to put myself in your shoes, I would likely come up with 10+ powerful words like.
Strong, confident, at peace, forgiving, courageous, accepted, stable, resilient, patient, calm, secure, grateful...
What ever words you choose they have meaning to you, they also possess energy and what and how to behave now and moving forward.
Being strong might mean to you, feeling really strong for being able to navigate the taunts of strangers in a cool calm manner, and reflecting on the situation as a win, that you were unshakeable and being proud of how you maintained your composure. The action now might be doing something today to celebrate this victory, could be something super simple like buying a coffee drink or donuts that you haven't had in ages, or could be taking a walk in a park that you've never been in, this of course you'd need to sort out what you desire.
Being forgiving, is a skill that takes practice and will be valuable for the long life ahead of you. Feeling this feeling of letting go and accepting things for what they are and recognizing with empathy this stranger is acting and behaving in a way that he doesn't know any better. When looking at someone from empathy I always think, What happened to you? Meaning to behave in this manner there's some trauma, maybe abandonment, struggles no doubt in this persons life for them to behave in this way. They don't know any better. Doesn't make them less or better than anyone, it's just seeking to understand people and their behaviors are a reflection of their thoughts and feelings.
What you have control of is your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
It is important to recognize the power within yourself to shape your perspective and response to any situation that comes your way. Take a moment to bask in the strength that resides within you, and embrace the empowering thoughts and feelings that will enable you to process and move forward from this current situation. Allow yourself to fully absorb the lessons that this experience has to offer, as they serve as catalysts for personal growth and development. Reflect on how you navigated through this challenging period with grace and resilience, appreciating the strength and determination that guided you along the way. By focusing on the positive aspects of your journey, you will find a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in your ability to overcome obstacles and emerge stronger than ever.
Us funny humans can slide into thinking disempowering thoughts and what the ends up doing is spiral out feeling down the gutter then when this situation happens again, and it will you'll trigger a negative emotion. Reassure your brain and nervous system you prevailed, because you did.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to email@example.com please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.
To learn more about mental fitness go HERE