This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
"How do I attract my ideal partner?
How do I best attract my ideal partner for a wonderful, committed relationship? I have been dating consistently for many years and haven't yet been in a relationship that felt really compatible to me, with the connection I find fulfilling. Maybe I am unknowingly sabotaging or focusing on things that affect my energy and it's keeping love away? I mostly meet men online, but I'd really like to meet more in real life, so I can gauge that connection and attraction sooner. I want to have fun while attracting him, and feel open, approachable, calm, and ready for partnership."
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
It sounds like you're taking action and making an effort, let's see if what I have to say can offer some insight.
Connection develops and builds over time. I also like to call it the Bank Account of Goodwill.
Here's my definition of goodwill: A friendly, helpful, or cooperative feeling or attitude brought into every interaction. There's a good feeling/energy when you're around them. You look forward to seeing them; you're excited to spend time with them, and you plan/block out time to spend with them, creating memories or experiences near and far into the future. You're free/able to speak your mind in a flowing way. When you think of them, it's all good things they mean a lot to you. You see their uniqueness and innocence. Your thoughts of them are kind and warm. There's an ease, closeness, safe feeling and trust with them, feelings of warmth, love, kindness, compassion, and appreciation. You're grateful for them in your life and have a profound curiosity to understand how they're experiencing their life and their unique reality.
This is all from a loving place, not wanting to change/judge/compare or criticize the other person, but from a curiosity of how this person can enhance your life and what amazing things you can learn from them.
A connection isn't going to occur in a few date's; it takes time to build and grow together. It takes time to make deposits in the bank account of goodwill. The submission wasn't clear on the dating duration if there were a bunch of 1st dates or some actual relationships over the years. Again in a coaching situation, I would ask lots of questions to understand your unique situation.
We attract what we are. It's important to love and value yourself to participate in a healthy relationship fully. Negativity and low self-esteem will hinder your ability to contribute emotionally. With years of coaching, some of my new clients tell me they are in a good place, ready, and love themselves. However, some sneaky self-judgments, critical thinking, and negative thoughts appear in a session or two. They are just under the surface of the mask they wear.
Entering into a relationship before doing the self-work is like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom. Take care of yourself first to be a positive force in your relationships with yourself, life, and other people.
When attracting your ideal partner, your mindset plays a crucial role. If you believe that nothing is working or that no one feels compatible, that can generate energy that will certainly not attract someone in your life who will compliment you.
Instead of dwelling on what's not working, focus on what you can do to improve your chances of finding love.
Take some time to reflect on your beliefs and thoughts about relationships. Are you harboring any negative beliefs or limiting beliefs? By identifying, reflecting, addressing, and healing any negative beliefs, you can create space for positive energy and attract the right partner.
A great question I love to ask: What's your first love memory? Sometimes there are some answers to what's holding you back.
We can be stuck in a belief of a story from our past experiences or relationships that, if we let go of or put down it, will shift our energy to one that's more approachable. Carrying resentment, anger, and frustration from past hurts will dampen your energy.
Are you prioritizing superficial qualities over deeper compatibility? While physical attraction is important, seeking someone who aligns with your values, interests, and long-term goals is equally crucial. Would you want someone else to operate from that mindset if you're being superficial? Think of it this way, if you require them to be of a particular build, frame, or fitness level, is that something you would require they maintain? What if these expectations were put on you? What matters most at the end of your life? Is it spending time with someone, sharing a life, growing together, fighting things that inevitably happen in life as a team, creating memories, laughing, and sharing experiences?
By shifting your focus to the qualities that truly matter for a committed relationship, you increase your chances of finding a compatible partner.
When focused on finding faults in people, we will undoubtedly find faults in people.
When we are focused on being curious about how another human being has experience life, what their dreams are, what fascinates them, what they do in their free time, and what sets their heart on fire, they will be way more interested in who you are in return. You see, judgment is limiting and a sign of how judgmental and critical of yourself.
Remember, your energy is a powerful force. If you're constantly worried or stressed about finding someone specific, it can affect your energy and potentially repel potential decent partners. Instead of focusing on a specific person, focus on yourself and your happiness. Cultivate a positive and confident energy that will naturally attract the right person into your life.
Inner work on ourselves is vital before entering a relationship.
We attract what we are.
If someone feels unworthy, they also believe they are wasting other people's time, an inconvenience or a burden. The other person feels this, often describing it as:
"Something was off, can't tell you what I just felt it, and there was no connection."
Inner work on ourselves is vital before entering a relationship.
We attract what we are. So if we feel unworthy, that usually leads to expectations, pushing an agenda, going above (overperforming), pushing too hard, demanding they meet your needs and prove your worthiness. This is very unhealthy and ends rather badly.
Move from I deserve that, to: How do I earn that?
Attracting is pulling someone into your life.
Attracting is working on yourself where people want to be around you, confident, strong, confident, charismatic, healthy, positive, magnetic...(some examples)
We only see things that reflect what is in us, ourselves.
By raising your self-love, self-compassion, self-empathy, self-care, and, ultimately, happiness. Shifts our energy entirely. You will be connected to the energy in yourself and spot it quicker and easier in others genuinely.
Operate from the energy or feeling you want.
In your submission, you say you want: to have fun while attracting him and feel open, approachable, calm, and ready for partnership.
If you operate from the energy behind these words, what actions follow? Answers to HOW and WHAT to do are in the meaning and energy that you make these words and statements mean.
Continue filling your own needs with what gives you purpose and meaning. People are drawn to those with an energy of joy, excitement, fun, and curiosity. Find ways to do this in places where someone that interests you would hang out, in person.
Look into new hobbies and classes, learn a new skill, study a topic that fascinates you, go deep into something creative, find an interest group, do community service, and join groups on Facebook or Meetup.com. If your health and wellness are important to you, look for things that promote these qualities. There are endless varieties of associations, groups, programs, retreats, camps, events, and things to join or get involved in. I always suggest going around and testing and trying things out without a commitment at first. Check out the energy of these things to see if it's an excellent fit for you, ideally one that aligns with HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL and stretches you a bit. This means it might be uncomfortable at the start. Go into new things without an agenda or expectations.
Instead of having urgency energy or forcing things to happen, allow things to happen to be. And when we allow things into our life, they tend to stay. If we have to pursue chase, persuade, and convince, we now have entered into forced energy.
If you are happy, proud of yourself, and have a healthy relationship with yourself and life, people will be drawn and curious about you.
Instead of forcing things to happen, allow them and attract them into your life.
When we allow things into our life, we draw them into our life things that are of the same energy.
- What type of energy do you want to come from and attract?
- Who do you want to be?
- How do you want to feel? Be that person. Embody that identity.
- What are your hobbies?
- What fascinates you and interests you?
- Do you care about your community, the area you live, are you involved in it?
Beautiful things do not fight for attention. They attract it.
Start by developing yourself to attract everything you desire in your life. Like the flower, when it blossoms, it produces sweet nectar to attract the bee. Develop yourself to be the best version of yourself and the things you desire. They will be attracted to you.
- Focus on your mental fitness.
- Focus on your emotional awareness.
Someone who genuinely loves themselves comes with a different level of reassurance, confidence, and exciting magnetic energy. This comes from a place of abundance vs. a place of scarcity. Loving yourself because you WANT to.
Relax. When you relax, it will come to you. Any sense of urgency, pump the breaks. Nothing good comes from a state of urgency, ever.
If it is right, it'll come to you.
If you're feeling insecure, lonely, or need someone to complete you, consider that your feelings of incompleteness may contribute to the energy you do not want to project. Taking steps to work on your self-confidence and independence may help improve your overall sense of desirability.
When we humans have a solid relationship with ourselves and life, we attract someone who has similar or like energy into our life.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to email@example.com please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.
To learn more about mental fitness go HERE