Relationships don't have to be hard or complicated.
The belief or story we all have heard, "relationships are hard," is simply not true. I heard this statement in person, during client coaching calls, and on a show I watched this past week.
If we hear something repeatedly, we tend to believe it or think about proof to validate it.
If you want to believe that relationships are hard or complex, it won't be hard to find evidence. I want to invite you, however, to a slight shift in your thoughts, beliefs, and the story of your own relationships can transform your own way of looking at and navigating all relationships, including the one you have with yourself.
If you believe relationships are hard, difficult, or challenging, you will likely struggle with the most important one of all, the one you have with yourself.
Are you judgmental, critical, and have incredibly high expectations of yourself? If you're unsure or know you do, this likely transfers to all the people you come in contact with, from the barista at the coffee shop you visit to your intimate relationships. Stop and think for a moment about how this is received.
- How does that other person in your life view your expectations and high standards?
- What's the energy or vibe they get from every interaction with you?
- Does your tone or what you say have an impact on that person?
- Have you ever asked them?
Typically what you think is far from what the other person receives in each interaction. As a result, miscommunication, misunderstandings, breakdown of goodwill, and disconnect occur. Often the message received is some variation of feeling of not being good enough. When this happens, both individuals' insecurities surface. Insecurities are each other's go-to when they fight or fight. This comes in many different ways, shutting down, lashing out, anger, rage, you name it, because they behave from a place of fear.
Relationships are hard only when you view your relationship through the lens of a critical, judgmental perspective, what I like to call coming from fear, a low state of mind. From this viewpoint, you'll find all the imperfections you'll find all the things that annoy you about them, things that drive you crazy, and pick apart your relationship.
What you focus on will grow.
For example, focus on another person's weakness. You will find more, but at what cost?
When we do this, we are not only looking at things from a vantage point of assessment or one-upping a form or hierarchy that is at the root of believing you're better than them; it creates this imaginary scorecard. This way of being is incredibly damaging to all relationships.
When we view our partner or any connection through the lens of judgment, they sense it. They know it. They feel the energy, which may be confusing for them and often misinterpreted, usually leading to feeling unwanted, unheard, unneeded, and not good enough. Have you ever been on the receiving end of this? Doesn't it feel good, right? These are the worst feelings in the world.
At the root of all my client's issues is feeling unwanted, unheard, unneeded, and not good enough.
I invite you to view people you interact with from a lens of appreciation, love, compassion, and sameness. When you look for the sameness and/or gratefulness, you'll discover their strengths; you'll become curious to understand them, giving them the energy that you care about them. This will in tern provide energy or space for the other person to feel their best and perform their best. This creates a safe place to be open and communicate how they think and feel, and they will share their unique reality with you.
Remember, start with yourself.
How will you benefit from looking at yourself through the lens of compassion, gratefulness, and appreciation?
Life coaching sets aside time to work on navigating the relationship you have with yourself and others in your life. When's the last time you booked a session with your life coach?