This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “You need to be able to be happy on your own, to flourish in a relationship.”
"I recently started getting close to a girl and I cannot for the life of me accept that they actually enjoy my presence and want to be around me. I am not forcing ANYTHING, she almost always initiates and I still feel so insecure and in disbelief
There's this girl I've been getting closer with for the past few months. I thought I saw signs but wasn't sure.
Its so hard to believe that someone actually likes me. She invites me to a bunch of events, she's always trying to talk to me and like tease/flirts around. She buys me things.
I feel so much positive energy around her but my dumb brain is like "hehe are you sure about that" and I clam up. I can barely speak. When I do speak my voice is deeper because my vocal cords are literally strained. My mind goes blank. My neck tenses up.
Shes asked so many questions about my personal life but I cant open up. I try but just shut down and move on to something else.
She tells me about her personal life but even then I struggle to follow along because I’m too worried about looking interested and my face gets tired and sore.
She’s so friendly to me. I genially don't understand how she still deals with me. I'd imagine its so annoying. I go home every day thinking I messed everything up. All my speaking was wrong, all my reactions were wrong, all my emotions were wrong. It feels like I'm a social train wreck.
It doesn't make any sense. I judge and criticize myself and truly feel I miss every interaction we get. But she keeps acting flirty, keeps inviting me to do things, keeps interacting with me.
What is wrong with me?”
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
It's ok to feel anxious. Its a normal feeling, there’s nothing wrong with you.
I get the impression that you really like her and want so bad to do everything right, perfectly and you’re super hard on yourself.
The relationship you have with yourself, and life is what you will project outward to those you have connection with.
As you stated you are really hard on yourself, judge, criticize and blame yourself and find it hard to believe someone is even interested in you. You’re assuming she has the same critical judgmental thoughts. Likely she sees the real you hidden behind excess habitual thinking.
It’s important to do the internal work on yourself before entering into a relationship.
Love doesn’t make a person happy, love amplifies the current feelings that are already there.
If you enter into a relationship where you’re super critical and judgmental of your self, life and other people, love will amplify the critical and judgmental way of thinking and being. It will make these thinking patterns worse.
If before entering into a relationship you have deep empathy, compassion, self love, self trust and respect, love will amply these feelings.
Love by it’s self doesn’t solve your problems, fix you, or meet your needs, it takes what’s already present and multiplies it.
We are thinking feeling beings.
This means we first think, then feel something, then an action follows. Most individuals think it’s external things that make us feel something, I used to believe this too until I became more present, more aware and woke up to a whole different reality and understanding. Now I share and guild people that are eager to change to see it too.
Your thoughts are creating the feelings of, disbelief, insecurity, worry, that you’re annoying, that you’re messing everything up, that you’re doing something wrong, and that something is wrong with you. All thought created. Somewhere somehow thinking this way you’re brain and nervous system found this line or cycle of thinking to be a way to protect you. Doesn’t matter when or why or what caused it, likely it has happened several times creating a pattern your brain has picked up on and it will continue to repeat this pattern unless you lean in, accept it, then do the hard work to change it.
Think of your negative feelings as a smoke alarm. The smoke alarm is going off and all it is, is a signal, nothing else. Just a signal to inform you there’s something to be aware of. You can do as you’ve likely done in the past and run, avoid, hide, retreat, sabotage yourself and push this girl away to likely prevent yourself from getting hurt, or look at the smoke alarm as a signal to learn, grow, change, and evolve to overcome this pattern of thought and create a new pattern.
Repeating myself here, there’s nothing wrong with you, this was your question.
You didn’t ask what or how to deal with this, although I assume that’s really what you want to know.
The answers are within you.
How do you want to feel?
Certainly I get a good understanding of how you don’t want to feel you’re able to articulate that rather well, reading it I can feel it in your words, and description.
Now describe how you want to feel with 10+ powerful positive words or statements. The answer on what to do and how to be will become super clear if you do this well, meaning answering it from a place of compassion, and empathy towards your self and this girl that sees something in you that you haven’t yet discovered. If you're not able to do this, reach out to me, this is where coaching can help you get unstuck.
I hope this helps. I wish you all the best. Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to email@example.com please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.