“How do I stop basing my self-worth on how many friends I have?”

Submitted Request..

This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.

Podcast version: HERE

Quote: “Our life is what our thoughts make it.” – Marcus Aurelius

Adding to the quote:

Your thoughts are what create your reality. They are what generate feelings in your body and either fuel you into action and sabotage you into getting more of what you don’t want. 

Submitted Question

“How do I stop basing my self-worth/personality on how many friends or conversations I have? Currently, it's like none. I understand that I should do things that make me happy, but I keep looking and I don't know what to do to make myself happy. I really want to change this. It's been a week of really painful pain in my stomach. Sometimes I feel happy because I fought hard against my negative thoughts and tried to find things I'm good at and be grateful for being alive, but the next minute, negative thoughts come back about how I have no friends, can't hold conversations, and can't make friends. I have sent multiple texts to people saying "hey, how are you" and stuff, but I get no responses. Maybe I bore others because I'm bored. I'm trying really hard to find hobbies, but I can't. I know I can't be looking for people to fill the void and trying to use them as a source of happiness. I'm tired of chasing others while no one chases me.”

My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.

I can understand how that situation could cause frustration..

Basing one’s self worth and personality on the number of friends one has is a belief, a story that’s been conditioned, or programmed in your mind. In other words, some thoughts that you believe. That if I have friends I am whole, complete, I am worthy, good enough and important perhaps, or some variation of that.  

No thought is real. 

Doing things doesn’t make a person happy. 

From a young age we are ingrained with the believe happiness is external an example of that is the anticipation of Santa’s arrival, and exchange of presents. Feeding into the story and concepts that happiness is external. 

Advertisements constantly bombard us with messages that subtly influence our thinking, almost like hypnotizing us. These ads are cleverly designed to appeal to our deepest desires, making us believe that true happiness can only come from buying certain things or having specific experiences.

It’s no wonder that, in general, most humans are super confused about where their feelings come from. The media wants us to believe this because we are easy to manipulate into buying their products, consumerism tendencies. 

In this era of mass media, it is crucial to critically evaluate the sources of our happiness and question the motives behind the messages we encounter on a daily basis. By developing a wise way of thinking, we can free ourselves from being controlled by others and find true happiness. Instead of being fooled by always wanting to be happy when you get something, achieve something, finally fit into a pair of jeans, acquiring a certain amount of money or success, understand what happiness actually is and where all feelings come from.

"Shoulding yourself" refers to the act of putting pressure on oneself to meet certain expectations or ideals. People generally do not perform well when they are under pressure, conforming to others' expectations, being told what to do, or constantly comparing themselves to others.

Stop Shoulding yourself! 

Thinking that you have to do something to be “happy” is also a story that will have you chasing the endless horizon for your entire life, this is the basis of “I will be happy when” and a lot of people endlessly try to find their happiness for their entire life and it’s sad because they hold the key in their hand. The lock is your mind.

We feel our thinking.

Consider for a second you lost your wallet or purse. Really believe that story, what does it feel like in your body?

When you imagine losing your wallet or purse, you might start to feel a knot forming in the pit of your stomach. Your heart rate might increase, and you may even start to feel a sense of panic or anxiety creeping in. The weight of the situation settles on your shoulders, and you can almost feel the stress radiating through your body.

This is your mind making up a story, and your brain and nervous system responding, we feel our thinking.

Your mind and body are interconnected, and in moments like these, the thoughts you have can manifest as physical sensations. It's fascinating to observe how deeply our emotions and thoughts can impact our physical well-being.

By expanding our awareness of the mind-body connection, you can become way more aware of how your mind, brain, and body are not only connected but have well-meaning intentions for you. These work in tandem as a brilliant machine. If we hate on it, get frustrated with it, you're going further from understanding how to make your life more at peace and resisting the opportunity to train your mind to work for you rather than against you.

Your stomach aches and pains are not just random occurrences, but rather a clear message from your body urging you to delve deeper within yourself. It's like a little alarm bell, reminding you to take a step back and pay attention to what's happening internally. Although it may seem tempting to seek external solutions, the truth is that the answers lie within you.

In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to overlook, misunderstanding the mind-body connection and dismiss the possibility that our physical ailments might have psychological roots. However, countless chronic pain sufferers have discovered that their pain is not merely a result of physical strain or injury, but rather a manifestation of underlying emotional or mental distress. 

When we experience chronic pain, our brain and body are working in harmony to send us a powerful message. They are urging us to look beyond the physical symptoms and explore the deeper aspects of our being. It's almost as if they are saying, "Hey, there's something going on inside that needs your attention!"

So, instead of solely relying on doctors and specialists to find a solution, why not take a moment to listen to what your body is trying to tell you? By turning inward and engaging in introspection, you may uncover valuable insights about yourself and your life. You might discover that unresolved emotional issues, stress, or even limiting beliefs are at the root of your pain.

Remember, your brain and body are incredibly intelligent. They are constantly working together to guide you towards a state of optimal well-being.

Resisting, fighting, wrestling with, numbing out, avoiding, coping with the negative thoughts - feed them, and they will grow in strength and continue to shrink your world. Once again, your brilliant mind and brain are protecting you.

Believing there’s something wrong with you, will bring in a sense of hopelessness, and this is never a solution, paradoxically you’ll get more of exactly what you don’t want. It falls back to the story you’re believing. 

Relationships are actually rather simple. Focus and work on the relationship with yourself and life, and then you'll attract people into your life with the same energy, interests, intelligence, and commonality. When you are capable of writing a positive story about your life and you are excited to get up each day and jump out of bed, you'll draw people into your life who enhance it. No more chasing, no more begging, no more attracting people into your life who drain you and consume your mental and emotional energy.

I hope this helps.

I wish you all the best.

Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!

If you want to send a question, please send to hello@katherine-hood.com please include: 

  • A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
  • And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it. 

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