The Common Things We Get Confused About That Create Unnecessary Suffering and Misery
Have You Ever Thought… “I’ll Be Happy When…”?
Do you ever catch yourself believing that happiness is always just one step away or only met with a laundry list of rules, demands and expectations?
“I’ll only be happy when I lose 10 pounds, and look sexy.”
“I’ll feel confident only when people compliment me, and like me.”
“I’ll feel secure when they finally text me back, and invite me out.”
“I’ll be successful only when I achieve (insert impossible standard here).”
What if I told you that this kind of thinking is exactly what’s keeping you stuck, frustrated, and suffering in silence?
Most people don’t realize they are the creators of their own emotional suffering. They think happiness is something to be achieved once outside conditions align just right. But that’s a dangerous illusion that keeps you in a cycle of self-doubt, frustration, and disappointment(insert other negative emotions).
If any of this resonates, you’re in the right place. Keep reading. You’ll never see your thoughts the same way again.
Who This Is For (Hint: You Might Be Suffering in Silence)
This article is for you if:
You often feel disappointed, frustrated, or stuck when things don’t go the way you expect.
You attach your happiness and self-worth to external outcomes, people’s opinions, or uncontrollable circumstances.
You find yourself overanalyzing, doubting, or obsessing over why something happened (or didn’t happen) the way you wanted.
You frequently say “I just wish things would go my way for once.”
You struggle with self-worth, confidence, or feeling “enough.”
Here’s the thing: Most people don’t even realize they’re creating their own suffering. It feels so real, it's seductive, it's illusive, it's so automatic, that they never stop to question the thoughts behind it.
(note this doesn't justify anything, I am simply pointing out what we think and believe in every moment is valid. <<<<Read that again.)
Let's break down some of the most common ways we unknowingly keep ourselves stuck in misery—and how a simple shift in perspective can change everything.
5 Common Thought Traps That Keep You Stuck in Misery
1. “When the Scale Goes Up, I’m Unhappy. When the Scale Goes Down, I’m Happy.”
Reality Check: The number on the scale is neutral. It’s our thoughts about it that create joy or stress.
If you step on the scale and think, “This means I’m failing, I’ll never be good enough,” you’ll feel shame, frustration, or sadness.
If you think, “My body is always evolving, and I take care of it in many ways,” you’ll feel more empowered and at peace.
Self-Reflection Question: What meaning is being assigned to a specific number on the scale or pant size, and is it actually true, or is it made up? Notice your thoughts create a positive or negative feeling, not the scale, it's not possible for the scale to make you feel anyway, it can't inject feelings into you, unless you want to believe that. This is being attached to a story or a belief that's disempowering.
Where else in your life are you misunderstanding your feelings?
2. “If Someone Compliments Me, I Feel Confident. If They Criticize Me, I Feel Worthless.”
Reality Check: Confidence is an inside job (all feelings are). If it depends on others, you’ll always be chasing validation, your feelings aren't outside of you. This is misery, and not a sustainable way to live, this is detrimental to your mental, emotional and physical health.
If someone says, “You look amazing!” and give the compliment back by minimizing it, or deflecting it you're not believing what they are saying and it's like they gave you a gift and you chucked it back and said "no thank you, you're wrong I am ugly".
If they say, “You look tired,” and you immediately feel ugly, ask yourself: Was I actually fine before they said that? What changed? Only your thoughts.
Self-Reflection Question: Am I outsourcing my self-worth to other people's opinions? Am I giving people that I come in contact with the power to make me feel happy or sad?
Who's the puppet, and who's the puppet master to your feelings?
What if you take the compliment as a gift, accept it, hold it tight, and celebrate that you embraced it and look for the evidence that it's true?
3. “If They Text Back Fast, They Care. If They Don’t, I Must Not Matter to Them.”
Reality Check: People’s response times are about them, not about you or your worthiness.
Maybe they’re busy. Maybe they’re bad at texting. Maybe their phone is on silent. (there's a million scenarios that could be true) None of those things have anything to do with your value as a person. Let them respond when they see fit.
Self-Reflection Question: Am I letting someone else’s texting habits control how I feel about myself? Am I demanding others act and behave how I would, and is that operating from a dictatorship or expectations? What is an empowering way to view this?
4. “If My Plans Go Smoothly, I’m Having a Great Day. If Something Goes Wrong, My Day is Ruined.”
Reality Check: Circumstances don’t dictate your experience—your thoughts about them do.
Some people spill coffee on themselves and laugh. Others do the same and let it ruin their entire day, week, month or life. What's the difference? Thoughts, stories and perspective.
Self-Reflection Question: How am I reacting to small inconveniences, and does it really have to be this serious? What belief would help me move forward with more confidence?
5. “If I Fail, It Means I’m a Failure.”
Reality Check: Failure is just data—not a reflection of your worth.
A toddler doesn’t think, “I’m terrible at walking, I give up.” They fall, adjust, and try again. Somewhere along the way, we start attaching our failures to our identity, and that’s where the suffering begins.
Self-Reflection Question: What if I saw failure as feedback instead of a personal attack or mean something about myself, value or worthiness? If I looked at this from a completely different perspective, what might I see?
Why This Matters (And Why You’re Stuck in the “I’ll Be Happy When…” Miserable Cycle)
Most of us have been conditioned to believe that happiness, confidence, and success are dependent on external factors, doing something and that a teddy bear can make us feel happy, safe and secure(not possible), or that Santa Claus will make our dreams and desires come true. This is why people spend their whole lives chasing the next milestone, only to find themselves just as unsatisfied when they get there.
Happiness isn’t in the future. It’s in how you think about the present.
What’s Next? (Hint: This is Where I Come In)
If you’re realizing that your thoughts—not circumstances—are keeping you stuck in frustration, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion, congratulations. Awareness is the first step.
Knowing something and actually changing it are two different things. And that’s where I specialize.
As a powerful life coach in thought and belief work, I help my clients:
Recognize the hidden thought patterns keeping them from feeling stuck and miserable.
Learn how to shift from victim mindset to self-empowerment.
Develop the ability to observe thoughts instead of reacting to them.
Finally feel free, in control, and at peace—without waiting for life to “go their way.”
Are you ready to break free from unnecessary suffering and start seeing life differently? Let’s talk.
Contact me today for a powerful coaching session that will shift everything you thought you knew about happiness, success, and confidence.
Katherine - externals are uncontrollable, hence the up-and-down emotion cycle you describe here. Our peace and fulfillment must, as you say, come from within.