Submitted Request..
This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “Avoid letting whatever upsets and angers you control you; strive to be free rather than a slave to people, places, things, situations and circumstances.”
Adding to the quote:
It is important to remember that you are in control of your emotions and reactions. When you understand this experientially in your own life, you are ready to take ownership of how you want to feel and what emotions create the life you want.
Instead of allowing yourself to be consumed by what upsets and angers you, it is essential to strive for freedom and independence. You won't become a slave to external factors such as people, places, things, situations, and circumstances. By taking ownership of your feelings and actions, you can lead a more fulfilling and empowered life. Breaking free from the shackles of being pushed around and manipulated by all things outside of you. Remember that true strength comes from within, and it is up to you to choose how you respond to challenges and setbacks. Stay true to yourself and keep pushing forward towards a positive and liberated mindset.
Submitted Question:
“How do I handle someone who constantly complains, it's draining.
How to deal with people who complain too much about the situation they feel they're stuck in? Basically, a friend of mine complains a lot about her situation, how life is unfair, how she does everything well but doesn't get enough from it. I also empathize with her a lot and love her as a friend (no hate for her). Yes, life has been unfair to her, with unemployment issues and people being unsupportive. In fact, I also suffer similarly, but the difference is that I deal with it in a stoic way. I tried to offer her the steps that I apply to myself, but she doesn't seem to apply them much, and I end up feeling disappointed and bothered every time I listen to her talk about this issue. I am starting to resent her and want to avoid even seeing her. How do I deal with someone constantly complaining it's a drain?"
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
That's really difficult and confusing. I can see how you're ambivalent.
We feel thoughts we believe and become attached to.
You're bothered, drained, disappointed... she isn't injecting these feelings into you, so where do they come from?
What do you desire?
Your submission didn't explain how you want to feel, if you can't describe it, you won't experience it.
Have you taken the time to truly reflect on your wants and needs, or are you simply holding onto desires that may no longer serve you? Sometimes, letting go of what we think we want can lead to a sense of freedom and clarity. You see what we are thinking and believing creates freedom or suffering.
By releasing our attachments to certain outcomes, we open ourselves up to new possibilities and opportunities that we may not have considered before.
Consider the feelings of being bothered and disappointed. Are these emotions stemming from a place of resistance to what is, or are they a result of holding onto expectations that may not be realistic? By exploring the root causes of these feelings, we can uncover deeper insights into yourself and your desires, rules, and expectations. Perhaps by letting go of certain expectations, you'll discover and find peace (insert any positive feeling words that resonate with you) and acceptance in the present moment.
It's important to remember that our desires and emotions are constantly evolving. What we think we want today may not align with what we truly need tomorrow. By being open to letting go of attachments and embracing change, we can cultivate a sense of inner peace and fulfillment. So, take a moment to reflect on your desires and consider the possibility of releasing what no longer serves you. Who knows what new joys and experiences may come from letting go.
One attachment, and I could be way off and wrong. I am going off of very little information. There is a need for her to be okay, so you will feel okay. You're wanting to rescue and fix her issues, but her not taking action to resolve them has her still not being okay. You're taking it personally and making it mean something about you. What if it has nothing to do with you at all? This is her journey. She's not experiencing enough pain to take action and control over her life or seek out the support that she needs to get unstuck. Perhaps you're not her savior; she wants you to simply listen, be there and have her feel seen, heard and important. What can you offer her to experience these feelings?
You see it's not her complaining, not her inaction that causes you to feel this way its you're judgements about the situation. All thoughts. And you mind or some call it ego is going into overdrive trying to make sense of it all.
Accept that it is not your job to fix other people, you can't make choices FOR other people.
When she complains does she ask for your advice or is she venting, and complaining because she gets dopamine from the attention she gets by having stuff to complain about? Some people find it easy to communicate through complaining, if that's how they were raised or witnessed that how to communicate is through complaining about anything and everything then let them complain! You're free. Your job is to listen and validate. Super simple.
It's seductive I know to "fix" peoples issues the thing is that approach often gets received as though you view them through the lens of "there's something wrong with them, they are broken, not good enough, not worthy or capable" and after multiple situations that feel like this they often tend to retreat and spend less time or end the relationship.
The 3 H's Ask her if she wants to be heard, hugged or helped. Then you know for certain what it is to do.
You mentioned being stoic. I love studying stoicism, and it's one of many modalities folded into my coaching practice. A Stoic test. It's how you respond that matters, not what actually happened. You can let this event shape your character rather than letting it break you down. It's all in how you perceive it. If you don't like how an event is going, you're one thought away from perceiving it differently. Practice feeding thoughts that serve you, empower you, and you'll be free of the burdens of needing things to be a certain way.
I hope this helps.
I wish you all the best.
Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to hello@katherine-hood.com please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.