Submitted Request..
This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “Love is a mind free of all negativity.”
Adding to the quote:
Love is a powerful emotion. Love is a mind free of all negativity, allowing us to see the beauty in everything around us. It is a force that unites us and brings us closer together, allowing us to connect on a deeper level with others. Love has the ability to heal wounds, mend broken hearts, and bring light into the darkest of times. It is a constant source of support, safety and comfort, guiding us through life's challenges and triumphs. Love is amazing and can change lives and make the world better.
Submitted Question:
“What do you talk about with your spouse when things have gone stale?
My husband and I have been married for 6 years and together for 10. We have two young children. Over the last couple of years, things have just gotten kind of stale. We get along alright, but we’re fully in the roommate stage and our emotional connection has started to diminish. We will go days without having an actual conversation, and in general, there’s very little meaningful interaction that doesn’t involve our children. My in-laws had a similar relationship, and they’ve gotten better over the years, but this sort of relationship just seems normal to my husband, and he doesn’t see it as odd. I’ve mentioned to him the fact that we don’t talk about much of anything, and his response is “what are we supposed to talk about?” To me, it seems obvious - you just talk about what’s going on in your world. But that kind of broad answer apparently doesn’t answer his question. What do you talk about with your spouse?"
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
Feeling as though the connection in a marriage has lessened can be a distressing and disheartening experience.
I get the sense you’re wanting to turn this around and want him to put forth some effort as well. I can only speak to you, as with any coaching session I am working with you and what’s within your control.
Initially, it involves shifting your perspective on marriage by approaching it with curiosity, support, and wonder instead of viewing it as dull, declining, and feeling as if you are simply living with a roommate.
The lens we view things will help us see more clearly or not.
When we think about something, our thoughts shape our emotions, and it is common for us to get caught up in intense feelings and search for the underlying cause. It is important to recognize that a negative experience is simply a product of negative thinking. It is essential to understand that our thoughts play a significant role in shaping our perception of events, or in this case your marriage. It's vital to your marriage to notice negative thoughts, detach from them and connect to a more empowering outlook. By recognizing the power of our thoughts, we can learn to navigate challenging situations with greater ease and resilience. We can't be creative, fun, loving, and intimate from a place of judgment or insecurity. In the end, our mindset and perspective are crucial in shaping how we perceive and respond to the external world.
Our energy walks into the room before we physically do.
So if you’re seeing everything from the angle of what’s wrong with him, he will feel it, and close off, shut down and retreat. (some people react this way, others react in other ways like avoid, or go into fits of rage or numb out)
When we view anything from any state our brain and mind automatically start to gather information, data and proof it’s true.
Example if you look at your to-do list today and think “it's so long and impossible” naturally you’ll feel overwhelmed and the action that follows may be less than productive. Same if today you look in the mirror and think, “man I look old and ugly” likely you’ll feel some flavor of old and ugly and feel low the rest of the day or week.
So by feeling as though things are becoming stale, less than or diminishing your mind will start to validate and justify this state of mind. This can also be done by comparing one’s relationship with other couples and venting to friends, this isn’t a bad thing, it just usually insulates and backs up the theory the marriage isn’t healthy or as stated “stale”. This can be a journey to eroding away the bank account of goodwill in your relationship.
When the once strong bond between partners begins to weaken, it can affect all aspects of the marriage, from communication and intimacy to trust and overall happiness.
How do you want to feel in the marriage? It’s somewhat clear how you feel now, and if you are extremely skilled at expressing how unhappy and miserable it is, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What do you want to experience? If you can’t articulate it, if you can’t imagine it, if you can’t describe it in a way that paints a picture in your mind or mine of what it looks like, it won’t be possible. The answer for you on what to do is in your imagination, your creative mind, and your knowledge of your spouse better than anyone else.
What’s the big picture if you zoomed out and looked towards the end of your life? (seems weird maybe but it could open up some clarity, we can get super swallowed up by tiny details) What is most important to you in your life, your marriage and your children? What type of relationship do you want to have and model for your children? What type of connection and bond do you want to have with him as your children move out and start their lives?
- What if instead of focusing on the “problem” there was a shift in energy and focus on building warmth and compassion in your marriage?
- What would open up?
- How might you feel and how might he respond?
When we focus solely on issues and problems, we tend to get stuck in a cycle of analysis and gathering perspectives without actually making any progress towards resolving the situation.
It's important to remember that becoming an expert on a problem doesn't necessarily lead to finding a solution. In fact, approaching our partner or spouse with a laundry list of evidence and frustration can often lead to a breakdown in communication and a lack of creativity in finding a resolution. (walls come up, defensiveness or shutting down occurs) Usually this is where both parties' insecurities are activated and this tends to not be a productive conversation.
So paradoxically if you look for the good things in your marriage, train your brain and mind to seek and find evidence of all the things you’re grateful for, it will follow this command and find all the lovely things that you appreciate and adore.
What if for a few weeks both of you were to put aside this “problem” and enjoy each other?
Take the focus off any issues, problems, challenges and focus on enjoying one another. Feeding just a good feeling between the two of you, this doesn’t have to involve words necessarily, think back to when you met the cute-sey little things that were silly and got the other person's attention. Notes, or gestures, favorite foods, things that are nostalgic to the other person, and facilitate the sense the other is feeling seen, and important. Now it’s a good idea to set a verbal agreement up front so the other knows what’s going on, so each is setting one another up for success. It’s also important to approach this how each other does it their way, it’s not a competition, no score card, no one is outdoing the other, if this occurs then judgment, and resentment has entered the room and if you know anything about the 4 Horsemen study this isn’t healthy.
I hope this helps.
I wish you all the best.
Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to hello@katherine-hood.com please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.