Submitted Request..
This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.
Podcast version: HERE
Quote: “The more you think and talk about anything the harder it will be to forget, in-fact it just reinforces the thought to feeling process.”
Adding to the quote:
When we engage in deep contemplation, rumination, commiseration and conversation about a particular subject, the more deeply ingrained it becomes in our memory. It's like etching the thought into our mind, I call it hypnosis by proxy, it strengthening the neural pathways in your brain. Talking and thinking about something over and over makes it hard to forget. This shows how repeating things can influence our feelings and ideas.
Our brain is wired to seek out what feels good and familiar to us.
This means that when we experience pleasure or satisfaction from a certain action, our brain recognizes this pattern and is more likely to repeat it in order to conserve energy. It sees this as a means of safety as well. Additionally, the stories we tell ourselves about these experiences play a crucial role in solidifying these patterns in our brain. Something that brings you joy, safety, love, comfort, or even a protective mechanism - remember that your brain is likely to latch onto it and make it a regular part of your routine. This is a thought habit, there’s good news, like any habit, it can be unlearned.
Submitted Question:
“I am completely infatuated with this guy. I became fixated on him after just one encounter. Despite us meeting three times, he never displayed any interest as he wasn't looking for anything serious. I believed we had a lot in common and that he was intelligent and polished. I even went as far as imagining a future with him, although I realize now how irrational that was. My obsession led me to constantly stalk his social media profiles, his ex-partners, and any other girls he interacted with. I found myself daydreaming about conversations we might have if we were to meet again. I sought opinions from others about him, feeling embarrassed by my behavior. Eventually, I decided to stop communicating with him, but I still find myself unable to stop thinking about him. It has been 9 months, and this is the first time I have experienced such intense emotions for someone. How do I stop this obsession?"
My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.
Having someone on your mind constantly for such a long time can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.
We feel thoughts we believe and become attached to.
Excessive or overly dramatic, that’s not for me to judge or declare.
If you want a feeling to change, it's important to delve deep into understanding it.
This means taking ownership of your feelings and questioning the thoughts that proceed this feeling from a place of child-like curiosity. Being wildly curious, with wonderment that you had when you were seven years old, before society pressures, demands, rules and conditioning came into your life.
By examining the root causes of our emotions, we open the door to a deeper understanding of ourselves and our behaviors. Taking a step back from our thoughts allows us to gain valuable insight into why we feel the way we do, and provides an opportunity to explore different perspectives. When we detach from our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and stories and view them from a more objective standpoint, it becomes easier to identify the triggers of our obsessions and gain clarity on the situation. By distancing ourselves from the intensity of the emotion, we can see things more clearly and make more informed decisions about how to respond. The rumination also loses its grip on us. The power and intensity will subside.
Anything or anyone that can make you feel good, allowing it to have that much power over you, can be taken away.
It's a journey of self-discovery and growth, where we learn to navigate our emotions with mindfulness and compassion. By actively engaging with our feelings and thoughts, we empower ourselves to create positive changes in our lives.
I like to think of any feeling that has some intensity, whether good or bad, as that strange family member that you wouldn't associate with. But because they are family, you are kind, compassionate, empathetic, and seek to understand them. This will lighten the power of any emotion.
When we think and believe the statements “My obsession” or "I am completely infatuated with this guy," we are essentially claiming ownership over our feelings. By starting a sentence with "I am," we are signaling to our brain that this emotion is ours to keep and that it belongs to us, much like how we would describe our possessions such as a purse or wallet. Same with “my” this is yours, you’re not distancing yourself, he is yours. This attachment to our thoughts and beliefs reinforces the idea that this feeling is true and valid. It is important to recognize the power of our words and how they shape our perceptions and experiences.
Real love isn’t about you.
When someone says, “I love how he/she makes me feel, I love how they talk to me, what they do for me”, I instantly know you’re getting some sort of deep seated need met from this person. First off, it's not possible that a person can inject feelings into you, it’s not possible. This is often the reason for some individuals jumping from relationship to relationship. When that illusionary “feeling” subsides they jump to the next relationship.
Real love is beautiful and a selfless experience that goes beyond just one's own desires and needs.
It is about a deep connection and bond with another individual, where you are willing to share every aspect of life with them - the good times and the bad, the highs and the lows. It is about creating lasting memories together, experiencing new adventures, finding joy in each other's laughter, and being there to comfort each other through tears and sorrow. Real love is about sharing a life together, fighting the battles that life inevitably puts before you both, and truly wanting to build a life together filled with love, support, and understanding.
I know it appears he is injecting feelings into you, that's not true and if you want to live a rich fulfilling life it starts by a deep understanding, being intentional and lots of inner work.
The typical response to this is "that sounds hard" or some variation of that, it will only be hard if you think it will be hard. If you think “it's important” and you don't want to be controlled by all things outside of you, then this will not only be an adventure you'll gain your power back.
Understanding what you can control is essential for living a fulfilling and empowered life.
When you realize that you have control over your thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes, you can choose to focus on positivity and rationality. By taking charge of your actions and responses, you can ensure that you are acting in alignment with your values and principles.
To develop inner peace, it's about being okay with how things really are. This means acceptance, not forcing things to be how you want them to be according to your desires, pressure, or expectations.
It's about finding peace in this understanding, the rumination, infatuation, and obsession will fade when you understand how your mind, thoughts and consciousness create your reality. It’s training your brain to work for you, rather than against you.
I wish you all the best.
Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!
If you want to send a question, please send to hello@katherine-hood.com please include:
- A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)
- And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.